dearly beloved, there are letters for you.

when you hear gasps, filled with shock and awe, and coming from a 600+ strong crowd in a surau, you're guaranteed that whatever is happening in there is ought to be good enough to listen to.

January 20th, 2011. 2100 hours. enter the 2nd round, Ustaz Hasnan Kasan.
first time around was a lil bit tamer than he was last night. came here before to share an invaluable knowledge of being khusyuk in solat by fully understanding at heart of all the things that we read under our breath for 5 times, every single day without fail (i hope so).
falling asleep during halfway of the ceramah was me, at the front row, but hiding behind a pillar just near enough to make sure i can still see him without him noticing me sleeping.
the title wasn't that boring.

"it's the best love letter that no one can match and beat, given to all mankind without any issue on differences or discrimination. it's the Quran of course." he said. or something like that.

being muslims ourselves, we take everything for granted. maybe because we are ALL well aware of the fact that regardless of all the sins that we do on this Earth, we'll still end up happily ever after in the land of Paradise or Jannah (syurga). alas, we halfheartedly carried out all of our responsibilities as a Muslim. especially, SOLAT.

it is the compulsory prayer that we MUST do regardless of what conditions that we are in, be it in health, in sickness or in grief. and it is also known as a powerful barrier against any mischievous doings (29:45), hence all the words uttered during the process itself. me myself was kinda reflecting throughout the session but fell asleep halfway.so much for reflecting huh?

....
....

but soon after i woke up, i heard laughs and after that, the ustaz starts mocking nasyid.esp Maher Zain. and why wouldn't anyone not be shocked when someone says that he is one of the 'syaitans' that has changed all his well-behaved students back into their wrongdoing ways?

not saying that maher zain is bad, or music is haram or wtv. it's just the idea of how we accept others' opinion and be smart enough to calm down and start reasoning how and why some would come with such opposing conclusions. this also applies to lots of things.i personally like how ustaz hasnan thinks, and sincerely i like the way him being straight-forward in expressing his ideas as this is the best way for him to connect with the teens that he's dealing with at the time. for others, it may seem vulgar and inappropriate, but he does have a point.

it's the final stretch.

post #109: finding a purpose.

finding a purpose eh?
yeah.
i've been questioning myself a whole lot nowadays.
and apparently, been talking to myself waaaay too often now.
goes to show that i DO lack in sufficient social interactions, eh?

"every single human being living on this Earth has been created for their own purposes, and having their own uniqueness or specialty, making them different from each other."

smart? not so much, just slightly above average (self-comforting)
excel in studies at school? same as before, but slightly lower.

"betul ke awak nak jadi doktor nie?" tanya mak.
"eh, pulak dah. kenapa mak tanya macam tu tiba2?" jawabku, sedikit tersentak.
"yelah, jadi doktor bukan senang kan~lagipun, mak tak nak nanti awak tak boleh buat, menyesal je sebab dah membazir masa awak."
"insya Allah mak, saya rasa saya boleh."
"kalau awak sendiri yang cakap macam tu, mak tak boleh kata apa2 la. lagipun, awak yang nakkan cabaran kan? mak cuma mampu doakan untuk awak berjaya je. lebih dari tu, semua bergantung kat diri awak sendiri."
"hm..."aku terdiam mendengar kata-katanya itu.
"ha.awak janganlah tension pulak dengar mak cakap macam nie.abang tu pun tanya kat mak macam nie pasal awak, mak pun taktau nak jawab ape. awak sendiri yang tahu kebolehan awak.btul kan?"
"betul..."

sure penat kalau tiap2 hari pegi kelas, and try to put up a happy and carefree face when the world feels like it's crumbling upon you kan? once in a while, feeling like not talking to anyone seems like the most appropriate thing to do but just can't help it to let myself be immersed in any sort of human interactions.i just want to keep on talking, and sharing and more crapping.attention-deficit disorder here maybe? :/

if i'm not meant to be here, stop me right here and right now. better not waste anyone's effort in handling my college fees, scholarship, university matters and etc. for someone who doesn't belong in the right place.


side note: EE tggl nak turnitin.same goes to ToK.and IA ITGS pn nk pass up next week.finally everything else is almost over.time to get back to the real business, scoring in exams! ;D

i like them.

yes. i do admit to the notion that i like women. i like women too much apparently. i like them too much that i'd fall helplessly for any gal who is nice to me. ANY gal. some may say that i'm a pervert, or whatever but i can't help the fact that i do notice that i am this sort of a person. and i'm fully aware of how this post will totally make me look like a total douche or perv, but i just feel that

and on a side note, i didn't say that i like them in a bad way or anything. it's just a sincere liking from a man to its opposite sex without any disorienting thoughts polluting it. but most of the times, it was just ME being ME admiring Allah's creation of adorable and beautiful women.blame me all you want, but i'm still a maturing teen with a fully functioning testosterone gland. adding a very wobbly set of mind and iman to it, and you'll have the majority of the current population of teen male in front of you. including me.

there are a number of occasions to be proof of this somewhat disturbing (?) illness of mine;
Exhibit A: i fell for a girl who was my classmate in primary school just because she was the first one to approach me when i first transferred to the school. now she's kinda like my best friend. MAYBE.idk.and yeah, she's now in the US, furthering her studies.
Exhibit B: i fell for a girl in highschool because she's nice to me and others in my class.maybe it's because of her voice or tone or whatever. and on the plus side, she's cute. sad ending though. :'(
Exhibit C: i fell for a girl in National Service because she was kinda like the only one girl who was able to strike a healthy and lengthy conversation with me, allowing me to have a purpose of looking forward to another day in that dreaded camp.
Exhibit D: i fell for a girl, online after NS.i know.whaddeheck.just because she sincerely responded to any questions and requests that i made and was also cute too ;p another sad ending.
Exhibit E: a girl online too, because i was one of the people who continuously convinced her of furthering her studies for a course with a future.
Exhibit F: fell for her because she's a lil interesting as i knew nothing much about her but yet i still like her. outer appeal strikes.
Exhibit G: a first time short conversation and lots of hey's and hi's afterwards also made me fell for her. appeal strikes 2nd time. =.=

pathetic, aren't i? maybe it's because of my 'inferiority complex' of not having enough social interaction, causing me to madly like any girl who had lips and can mutter words to me that i can understand and react to.

in the process, i might have at most hurt a heart or two, but i've totally learnt my lesson.
like is not necessarily a rule of thumb that makes you feel that you must own all the things you are fond of. waiting is the best way of out-ruling any absurdity and nuisance plus troubles for the distant future.

and yeah, i do have my sense of an ideal woman. and in the group, sadly, there's none yet that fulfills all.sadly. DEEPly sadly.

i've been meaning to tell you this.

at first when i knew your name, and saw your face, i think sincerely that you were cute. JUST cute.and the fact that you are among the few (2nd) friend from the east coast at the time, i was looking forward to knowing you more and if possible, have a chance to befriend you. but after a few blogposts, comments and chat sessions, i think that y0u are just a superb girl whom i can instantly bond with, share jokes, tell stories and trust with a few secrets (p/s: i don't know whether it's the same for you). and believe me, there's not many people whom i can do that with. and the fact that you're just brilliant (despite the fact that you kept denying it), because you came up with soo much witty and silly things that really made my day. and even though you admit that you can't handle well with emotion things but you kept your composure and bear with the silly things at i kept on throwing at you.

now, you've made it so far on the decision that i thought you would surely excel in. but i hate the fact that our different lives have made it difficult for me to once again, strike a healthy and lengthy conversation with you. i'm tired of losing sooo many good friends from the past couple of years and i hope that you wouldn't be one of 'em.

dedicated to a friend named ainna emira e.zani, Sept 14 1991, Kerteh, Chem Eng UTP. :)