i've been meaning to tell you this.

at first when i knew your name, and saw your face, i think sincerely that you were cute. JUST cute.and the fact that you are among the few (2nd) friend from the east coast at the time, i was looking forward to knowing you more and if possible, have a chance to befriend you. but after a few blogposts, comments and chat sessions, i think that y0u are just a superb girl whom i can instantly bond with, share jokes, tell stories and trust with a few secrets (p/s: i don't know whether it's the same for you). and believe me, there's not many people whom i can do that with. and the fact that you're just brilliant (despite the fact that you kept denying it), because you came up with soo much witty and silly things that really made my day. and even though you admit that you can't handle well with emotion things but you kept your composure and bear with the silly things at i kept on throwing at you.

now, you've made it so far on the decision that i thought you would surely excel in. but i hate the fact that our different lives have made it difficult for me to once again, strike a healthy and lengthy conversation with you. i'm tired of losing sooo many good friends from the past couple of years and i hope that you wouldn't be one of 'em.

dedicated to a friend named ainna emira e.zani, Sept 14 1991, Kerteh, Chem Eng UTP. :)

natural behaviour.

I
jika tidak tahu, ia akan terpinga-pinga.
jika tidak tahu, ia akan bertanya.
jika tidak tahu, ia akan mencari.

bila ia sudah mengetahui, ia akan memilih; ditinggalkan begitu sahaja atau didalami .

II
bagi yang ingin tahu, ia mendekati untuk lebih mengenali.
diamati.
diteliti.
diperinci.
difahami.
jika selari minatnya, akan dikejar ke mana-mana jua.
walaupun hanya untuk mendapatkan tempias mahupun sekilas pandangnya.

III
masa berlalu seperti biasa.
namun dirasakan pelik baginya.
seperti semacam tidak kena.
bosan gamaknya.
mungkin lalai dan alpa juga?
lambat laun, diabaikannya akan ia.
bila sudah ada, ditinggalkan.

IV
saat ditinggalkan, rasa bebas tak kenal rasa.
namun akan merengek jua.
bila ditinggalkan, dicari semula.
kitaran bermula semula.

you just don't know, don't you?

hello blogosphere.
I know that it's been a while since the last time I've even written anything on this virtual paper space that is temporarily mine for the time being.

acknowledging the fact that i am currently having my sem 3 exam, everyone is psyched on the idea that we're going to have our month-long holiday afterwards! yeay for us ;D but still, what rests on my mind is the thought of unfinished EE, unfinalised TOK essay draft, unresolved CAS hours and all those notes which i need to cram for the IB final in May.

a little part of me was telling me to screw with the exam as it wouldn't count as much like the other two exams before but this gives the best platform for me to at least test the current status of my studies, to see whether or not I'll do badly or just waaaaaaaaaaaaay worst that i thought.


sometimes, i question words. what does it mean to 'like'? what do we mean when we 'want' something? or simply 'admire'? when these things get mixed and jumbled up with other unresolved issues, wrong may appear right and vice versa. it's not that i don't cherish what we already have in hand (alhamdulillah for all His givings and blessings), but is it what we want is always the right things to have? and should we want it, is it really because we made up our mind about it, or is it just because we feel like it?

akal, hati, nafsu.
suddenly scratchy film slides started playing, of the times when i had my first usrah here, with fahmi, then with imran and with arip now. i learned a whole lot but do i ever implement those stuff?

*teringat something about manusia ni fitrahnya berbuat kebaikan, sebab tu bile nak buat jahat je, terpaksa come up with lots of creative ideas. kalau tak percaya, cube ingat balik when was the last time you did something bad. did it came naturally or did you have to devise a plan so that everything flows perfectly?*

i know i shouldn't waste my time
but i did waste my time. (103:1-3)

i know i should study
but i ended up not doing so.

i know i should be nice to people
but i just become a pain in the ass.

i know i shouldn't meddle in the things that i already know is forbid
but i just couldn't help myself.

i know what mistakes that i shouldn't repeat
but i just wound up at the same situation as before but with a different role.

pointless, is it of me being here? talk me some sense will you?
friends, if i say hi, i want to get more friendlier with you. if i text you, i don't want to forget that you're my friend. if i call you, it's me saying that you're important.
if i stop doing all that, it's me going numb on thinking of ways to make sure our friendship lasts.

*i forget ppl easily, studies as well.

p/s: tips to avoid pointless conversation, just say "No" when you're asked about anything and bear a few minutes of possible torment of "not knowing" in order to save your precious kJs of energy for other things (i.e. watching movies, playing games, other time-wasting activities) instead of engaging in an uninteresting few minutes of conversation.