i've been meaning to tell you this.

at first when i knew your name, and saw your face, i think sincerely that you were cute. JUST cute.and the fact that you are among the few (2nd) friend from the east coast at the time, i was looking forward to knowing you more and if possible, have a chance to befriend you. but after a few blogposts, comments and chat sessions, i think that y0u are just a superb girl whom i can instantly bond with, share jokes, tell stories and trust with a few secrets (p/s: i don't know whether it's the same for you). and believe me, there's not many people whom i can do that with. and the fact that you're just brilliant (despite the fact that you kept denying it), because you came up with soo much witty and silly things that really made my day. and even though you admit that you can't handle well with emotion things but you kept your composure and bear with the silly things at i kept on throwing at you.

now, you've made it so far on the decision that i thought you would surely excel in. but i hate the fact that our different lives have made it difficult for me to once again, strike a healthy and lengthy conversation with you. i'm tired of losing sooo many good friends from the past couple of years and i hope that you wouldn't be one of 'em.

dedicated to a friend named ainna emira e.zani, Sept 14 1991, Kerteh, Chem Eng UTP. :)

natural behaviour.

I
jika tidak tahu, ia akan terpinga-pinga.
jika tidak tahu, ia akan bertanya.
jika tidak tahu, ia akan mencari.

bila ia sudah mengetahui, ia akan memilih; ditinggalkan begitu sahaja atau didalami .

II
bagi yang ingin tahu, ia mendekati untuk lebih mengenali.
diamati.
diteliti.
diperinci.
difahami.
jika selari minatnya, akan dikejar ke mana-mana jua.
walaupun hanya untuk mendapatkan tempias mahupun sekilas pandangnya.

III
masa berlalu seperti biasa.
namun dirasakan pelik baginya.
seperti semacam tidak kena.
bosan gamaknya.
mungkin lalai dan alpa juga?
lambat laun, diabaikannya akan ia.
bila sudah ada, ditinggalkan.

IV
saat ditinggalkan, rasa bebas tak kenal rasa.
namun akan merengek jua.
bila ditinggalkan, dicari semula.
kitaran bermula semula.

you just don't know, don't you?

hello blogosphere.
I know that it's been a while since the last time I've even written anything on this virtual paper space that is temporarily mine for the time being.

acknowledging the fact that i am currently having my sem 3 exam, everyone is psyched on the idea that we're going to have our month-long holiday afterwards! yeay for us ;D but still, what rests on my mind is the thought of unfinished EE, unfinalised TOK essay draft, unresolved CAS hours and all those notes which i need to cram for the IB final in May.

a little part of me was telling me to screw with the exam as it wouldn't count as much like the other two exams before but this gives the best platform for me to at least test the current status of my studies, to see whether or not I'll do badly or just waaaaaaaaaaaaay worst that i thought.


sometimes, i question words. what does it mean to 'like'? what do we mean when we 'want' something? or simply 'admire'? when these things get mixed and jumbled up with other unresolved issues, wrong may appear right and vice versa. it's not that i don't cherish what we already have in hand (alhamdulillah for all His givings and blessings), but is it what we want is always the right things to have? and should we want it, is it really because we made up our mind about it, or is it just because we feel like it?

akal, hati, nafsu.
suddenly scratchy film slides started playing, of the times when i had my first usrah here, with fahmi, then with imran and with arip now. i learned a whole lot but do i ever implement those stuff?

*teringat something about manusia ni fitrahnya berbuat kebaikan, sebab tu bile nak buat jahat je, terpaksa come up with lots of creative ideas. kalau tak percaya, cube ingat balik when was the last time you did something bad. did it came naturally or did you have to devise a plan so that everything flows perfectly?*

i know i shouldn't waste my time
but i did waste my time. (103:1-3)

i know i should study
but i ended up not doing so.

i know i should be nice to people
but i just become a pain in the ass.

i know i shouldn't meddle in the things that i already know is forbid
but i just couldn't help myself.

i know what mistakes that i shouldn't repeat
but i just wound up at the same situation as before but with a different role.

pointless, is it of me being here? talk me some sense will you?
friends, if i say hi, i want to get more friendlier with you. if i text you, i don't want to forget that you're my friend. if i call you, it's me saying that you're important.
if i stop doing all that, it's me going numb on thinking of ways to make sure our friendship lasts.

*i forget ppl easily, studies as well.

p/s: tips to avoid pointless conversation, just say "No" when you're asked about anything and bear a few minutes of possible torment of "not knowing" in order to save your precious kJs of energy for other things (i.e. watching movies, playing games, other time-wasting activities) instead of engaging in an uninteresting few minutes of conversation.

haish.

given the conditions now, you shouldn't be the one sulking over how troubled you are feeling.

asses's.

it was never a good decision.

in fact, it's the worst. for the second TIME in A ROW!

all you are doing now is dragging the "ball of chain" along with you.

hasty, immature, over-needy, utterly STUPID.

it's been a year.

i can still remember how i had my first Ramadan in KMB. it was legendary. the breaking fast at a corner in Alamanda was kind of one of the unexpected things that i experienced throughout my stay here so far.

now, the same time has come and the calling has become clearer. rise up to the challenge. and prepare for more dugaan.

*why do ppl always ignore me? and yes. even though i may not look like it, but i'm suffering.physically.

this is what happens when i'm left alone, all by myself.

feeling very, very stupid.

everyone is moving on, while i just stay put.

like i'm on a different timeline with others.

doing ib is one thing.

having to face people who are pacing forward faster than me

makes me hate myself all over again.

adding to this, my "incapable-to-sit down-and focus-in-class-without-sleeping" syndrome keeps bugging my sheer intention to really get what i'm supposed to be listening to in class.

instead, i get dizzier for every class that i slept in

and

ended up becoming much more blur than before i entered class.

and now, me.

i don't seem to know why,

but i just tend to lure my soul and mind to thinking that

my life is all messed up, eventhough the fact that it is not.

everything is fine, everything is okay.

but i think too much.no, seriously.

i care about too much unnecessary stuff.

and when i'm down with thinking all these,

i'll just bug people.

people whom i know would help me whenever i'm in a pinch.

but i just bug too much.

to an extent where i just feel.....

...pathetic.

why does it have to hard to forget eventhough there's nothing much to remember?

why do i need to be this sad when i can just get rid of all this nonsense from my head?

this pattern or cycle of feeling is just repetitive. and is highly dangerous. in a week or two, or less, i'll end up being like this again. and this is even when i already know all the answers to all of my questions and problems so far.

i guess life is a game.with no cheat codes.where people play based on their best interests of winning and enjoying the journey of winning itself.

*seyes rse sgt bodoh ryte now.mind you,

ak x penah emo,

just xde mood at times.

nie la kdg2 hasil moodless attack,

a post full of pure crap.

i need a new perspective.

aku ngantuk.SANGAT - SANGAT.

walhal bru pkul 12 lbey je.pffft.

bengong gk r kalo gnie tyap2 ari~ dh la ari nie, full day tdo dlm sume klas.

ape nk jdik ngn ak nie pn x tau r. T__T

mintak tlg la korg, sy keje byk lgi nie.

xske r weyh, this high hypersomnia problem is really hitting me hard in the face.

me back here.

dh lme SGT aku x membebel kt cnie.

hny disebabkan conscience aku yg menyatakan "buat apa ko tulis, bkn ad pn orang yg bace this rubbish, full-of-yourself story/things. baik ko buat bnde laen, kn,kn? "

tp aku rse skarang, this blog is one way to really pour everything.

from deep down inside to the silly things out.one may ask why; it is simply because i need some method of restraining.

restraining from what, that only i know.

and Allah.

lately, aku mcm sedang menaiki sebuah emotional roller coaster. *walhal taktau pn rse nek coaster cmne, agk2 je sbb x penah merase~*

aku tak sure knape, but i needed some sense of security so much that i pathetically 'begged' them from da ppl around me, regardless of what they were having/facing/feeling/doing at the time.

yes, i am selfish.

and for no good reason.

when i already feel secure and safe, i still somehow manages to slack off at whatever i was doing and do some other useless things.

besides that, i relentlessly forced myself to do stupid things, make stupid decisions. and ended up being in such a mess that i am still in.skarang dh rse mcm org yg bru lpas accident , sedang cube untuk bgun, pick up any valuable pieces yg msih ley gne, and move forward. right now, i'm 'bruised and wounded' but not yet beaten. still got a few more miles to go. keep on rolling bebeh~ :]

p/s: bru prasan, byk bnde yg aku ckp biasenya methaporically.ptut susah org nk phm.oh well.

3:139

now.

akhirnya, aku menulis semula di ruangan yang sudah lapuk dan habis berhabuk disebabkan tahap kemalasan aku ini, tinggi yang amat. nk dijadikan cerita, selama aku meninggalkan arena blogging ini, macam-macam benda dh aku tengok+lalui+dengari+etc. dan bru-bru ni je aku dh belajar salah satu drpd life lessons yg for sure susah utk ak dapati dri mane-mane kelas Math SL meskipn ToK di KMB, dan insya Allah, aku akan hargainya sebaik mungkin (:

yang aku ingin emphasise dlm post yang aku rse, tak akn jadi sepanjang post-post blogger lain yang jauh lebih berdedikasi dan komited terhdp karier mereka sebagai blogger, iaitu:

hargailah KAWAN-KAWAN anda.

(kawan2 baek khususnya)

and not forgetting families~

keadaan aku yang meletakkn aku bersama-sama lebih 300+ pelajar di KMB yang semestinya mempunyai pelbagai ragam ini, telah mengajar aku erti hidup yg sebenar-benarnya.

tiada erti kata equilibrium, differentiation mahupun binomial nomenclature yang boleh mengkelaskn pengalaman ini.

aku tahu yang kita tak boleh jdi judgemental tapi the fact that kita sume ni manusia, dan kita mmg akan ad tendency utk judge org on the 1st impression.

people who i've thought are always serious and stern can also be the ones who also listens to every complaint and whine and troubling thoughts that prevent u from having a gud life in this prison of kelapa sawit.

and the people who care the most who are usually the ones who u left behind whenever u got a new sense of happiness and joy.

before this, i just couldnt care less.but now, trying to be a new and improved me,

sometimes i have to pay just a little bit of attention.

after all, evrything i do is for my own sake too, not others, not even the janitors' behalf.

kau harus ada.ohoho ho~ XD

wow.

bile ak tgk blk date last post ak nie cm x caye lak.

DECEMBER 3, 2009!

ak juz mls nk update sbb nk access tenet kt kmb nie ssh~

memandangkn tenet free hnya ley dpt kt blok akademik (ak xde lappy~ >.<)

dan nk onl9 kt bilik kne pinjam brodband membe,

so ak conclude yg ak nk biorkn blog ak nie berhabuk jap.

hehe XP

well.

it's already February 7th, 2010.

lots and lots had happened.

the start of sem 2 was phenomenal.

we were bombarded with IA ITGS, EE briefing and not before long, our World Literature assignment will soon come down rolling along with TOK essay and presentation.

sometimes these sort of stuff tend to demoralise me

as i've never experienced this sort of hectic world before this.

but then,

some simple words had somehow made me feel relieved with the fact that i'm doing IB.

and also my friends who have been the source of my smile each and every day.

...............................................................................................

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